MistressKim smiles and gets up, wandering up to the microphone. It's 11 PM ET, and as you know, I'm an anal retentive bitch Cauchemar gasps covering her mouth, gawwking at MK. MistressKim says: Tonight we're very honored that bix has asked to offer us a discussion group on how to find and keep a dominant. Tonight we're going to stick with formal guidelines. So please indicate a question with ? I'd like to remind you that we have a lovely article by bix in the Library...so be sure to check it out! Without further ado, here's bix! MistressKim smiles and sits down, clapping bix takes the lectern, sets his water glass to the side, and taps at the microphone. Is this thing on? Cauchemar cheers. Amanda applauds! Marcia applauds loudly MrChris claps crave kneels on the floor. Chooser applauds bix Amanda winces as it screezhes SQUEAL! ::feedback:: bix exclaims: sorry!!! WoodMan claps and looks expectantly at bix arwen smiles softly bix smiles. OK, can everyone hear me now? In the back? BurntUmber nods enthuasiastically bix says: great . . . .:-) Cyanne in the box listens intently Cauchemar smiles. bix says in a clear, crisp tone, The purpose of this evening is to expand upon and discuss the points I made in an article I wrote for the Iron Rose newsletter, How to Find and Keep a Dom/me. The full text of the article can be read at this URL: http://www.iron-rose.com/IR/library.htm Id like to introduce my special guests this evening; they will be helping me, offering their own insights and answering questions. I'd like to thank them all for participating. First, my friend and fellow submissive, the fabulous . . . allura! A spotlight focuses its beam on allura. Cauchemar cheers. Amanda applauds allura allura smiles at Bix WoodMan applaudes Chooser applauds arwen appluads blush chuckles and claps bix exclaims: Next, her amazing Master, Woodman! A spotlight focuses its beam on Woodman. Marcia claps WoodMan stands and waves Cauchemar cheers for Woodman. arwen sheilds her eyes from the light Darkk applauds MistressKim grins bix says with pride, "Last, my formidable and ubiquitous Mistress, the Lady Cauchemar!" troph claps pen in mouth...paper balancing precariously on my lap Chooser cheers and applauds WoodMan cheers loudly MrChris applauds arwen says: Yeah Amanda applauds woodman and cauchemar Cauchemar rises to her full height and bows slightly. Spotlight shines on the glamorous Lady Cauchemar. A jazz band plays a fanfare. Silverlock says: Clamps.. MistressKim smiles and claps! Marcia applauds enthusiastically Silverlock says: oer claps.. bix bows his head toward his Mistress. Cyanne exclaims: OOh. . lovely! She returns to her chair, leash end loosely in hand. bix says to Silverlock: not *yet* troph smiles thoughtfully bix says quietly, "As an aside, I might mention that my Mistress has agreed to be the bouncer for this evening . . . so * b e g o o d*!!!" Cauchemar nods to her pet to continue. Amanda eeps Cauchemar waves the bang stick. Cauchemar asks: see? bix scans his list. There are fifteen points; I hope to get to them all within the hour. My guests will chime in every now and then to add their thoughts." Cauchemar smiles a little. bix says to the audience, "Please do feel free to ask questions. We'll get to them as we can. . . OK? Remember to type ?" I am also looking for your comments, reactions, and other thoughts . . . i'd like this to be an information exchange, too! bix takes a sip from his water, sets down his glass again, and begins. I put these thoughts together after a period of seeing a lot of my submissive pals going through hard times. They were having bad luck finding the right online Dom/me, feeling frustrated with the Dom/me, losing the Dom/me. bix continues, These points are what I've come to understand through my own experiences, watching the experiences of others, and from observing and learning from my Mistress, Lady Cauchemar. Number One: Don't Be A Pest! I've seen submissives succumb to a twisted kind of logic. They seem to say, "I want the attentions of this strong person, so I'm going to beg and cajole and whine like a child for this person to scene with me until I get what I want." bix smiles. "Folks, this dog wont hunt." The best way to meet a Dom/me is the same way you'd meet them in real life: that is, you strike up a conversation with them. Try to engage the person in a conversation, and use that opportunity to slip in some facts about yourself. bix grins. "Hopefully, something that displays your submissive attitude." bix smiles. "Flirt with the person.! Offer to serve them food or drink - then do so with great style and flair. Make a good first impression!" bix says: As in real life, it may take more than one talk to get to know them and be invited to play. Cauchemar nods emphatically. bix scans the audience. "I will just keep going, since I have a lot to cover. So just type ? when you have a question." bix says: Number Two: Be Clear About Your Interests, Needs, and Limits. bix continues. "This point is something you all probably know, but Ill say it anyway:" At some point early on, both you and your Dom/me have to delineate your respective needs and interests explicitly. The speaker yields to his Mistress. Cauchemar says: just a notion based on personal experience, there is no such thing as a submissive without limits adn to say you are opens you to dangerous play Cauchemar nods to bix. that was it bix nods emphatically. "If you are a novice submissive, you should figure out what your limits are . . . and be honest if you don't know." WoodMan says: i believe that by being 'yourself' and being honest about your needs will attract a Dom/me that is truely compatible with you Cauchemar nods to Woodman. Cauchemar says: indeed bix nods bix says: This is important to realize, especially since it's so easy *not* to be yourself online. I'll touch on this later, in fact. In any event, it's probably a good idea to have at least a basic discussion about this area before you agree to play. WoodMan nods While your interests don't have to match Hers or His exactly, there should be a fair amount of overlap - otherwise, the two of you may not be right for each other. bix nods to Arwen arwen says: Not only will being yourself help you find a Dom/me that is compatible, but it will make short work of the opnes that aren't. I've had them run from me like flies. bix smiles and nods in agreement. bix laughs allura smiles Cauchemar eyeballs arwen closely then grins. bix asks: crave, you had a question? crave asks: You said to reveal your needs and desires early on.....this i find hard to do because i think they are very personal and should not be discussed with every Dom that you meet...so what do you do when they want to know what your desires are after just meeting? bix ponders bix asks: Woodman, Sir, and Mistress, do you have an answer to that? Cauchemar says: go Woodman allura suggests you give them a generalized idea of your interests. You don't need to go into detail at all Cauchemar smiles at allura's good suggestion. Angela nods troph continues to listen...processing bix asks: Woodman, Sir, did you have a comment? WoodMan says: i think that as in real life you must share your inner needs and desires slowely as trust is earned and nurtured allura nods, so very true, Sir bix nods . . . i agree. there are levels of desires and needs that one reveals slowly bix asks: Amanda, did you have a comment, too? Amanda says: i think whether you want to talk about your needs or not has a lot to do with how and when the Dominant asks. often, when one of the first questions is 'what do you like' it really means 'what kind of net sex do you wan to have'. i give a very general answer along the lines of 'it depends on the Dominant and the level of trust thats been established' if they are serious, that usually leads to more conversation,..if they arent it cuts them off Cauchemar fans Amanda. crave says: thank you bix laughs and applauds amanda's answer crave smiles Amanda grins at cauchemar Cauchemar exclaims: indeed! bix points to Silverlock and smiles. "Your turn." WoodMan says: good point Amanda it is important that you not fall into the trap of gearing your search to finding a net sex partner bix waits for silverlock to respond Silverlock says: Ahh thanks, well first of all..I think too many times there is a lack of trust and you need to have the trust before you even explore teh "inner" desires, at first it is like a first date somewhat sahking but in "time" and deveoping trus comefortable to share. In other words it takes time and trust before you go to the inner desires. Thats all. bix exclaims: Number Three: Be Responsive and Explicit! bix smiles at his Mistress. bix says: OK, you've persuaded a Dom/me to play with you. Now you have to impress Him or Her with your reactions, your moves, your attitude, your intelligence, your sensuality. bix continues, "Too often scenes end up being clinical descriptions of various activities, or repetitions of foul language, or, at worst, a line or two of MMMMMs and AHHHHHHS." Cauchemar laughs as she nods. bix says: Try to really enter into the scene. Imagine what all five of your senses would be experiencing: PurpleFlower smiles and nods bix says: Imagine how the paddle would feel, the smell of the leather garment, the sounds your Dom/me makes in the room, the light leaking through the blindfold. describe the heat radiating through your skin; describe how your body would move. bix blushes slightly and adjusts his collar. MrChris nods Cauchemar tugs his leash a little. bix exclaims: Please, for the sake of us watching, take the performance aspect of your scening seriously! oh, and for your own sake, too, of course! bix grins and blushes bix moves on . . . . Number Four: Don't Be Too Specifically Demanding (Or Demandingly Specific). bix asks: oh, sorry, I missed Morpheus . . . you had a question? Morpheus exclaims: Actually, I had a comment... A good Dom/me will also be a good storyteller as well, since it is hard for a sub to react unless the Dom/me paints a good picture! allura smiles and nods arwen agrees Cauchemar says: very very true Morpheus grins Silverlock nods Morpheus says: A good scene is not a time for minimalist art... PurpleFlower agrees totally bix nods . . . absolutely. bix asks: MrChris, you had a comment? MrChris says: I was just hoping you could maybe explain # 4 a bit... bix grins . . . let me just let my Mistress make a comment, and i'll continue bix nods to his Mistress, Lady C. Cauchemar says: two fast points - make use of echo and emote interchanging them to make things flow and know some basic anatomy :) Morpheus nods Cauchemar is done. bix nods . . . "i have seen so many scenes in public that are just *impossible* bix says: Number Four . . . Don't Be Too Specifically Demanding (Or Demandingly Specific). bix smiles . . . "Yeah, we all have our favorite fetishes. We'd like X, Y, and Z to occur, in that order, every single time." MrChris nods... bix says: But real life isn't like that, and online Dominance and submission isn't, either. As a submissive, you need to let your Dom/me know exactly what combination of activities gets you going. But your Dom/me is in charge, S/He will call the shots! "And *please*! Whatever you do, do not send a whining .tell in the middle of a scene to your Dom/me saying, 'No, not X now! I want Y!'" Silverlock chuckles. bix says: That borders on "topping from the bottom," which most dominants will not tolerate. Cauchemar snickers darkly. WoodMan nods bix says: Number Five: Set Safewords (If You Play On the Edge). Safewords are established by the sub and Dom/me to give the sub a way of letting the Dom know that the play has become too much. If the sub is panicking, he or she can use a prearranged safe word, the the Dom/me will know to respond appropriately. A common system is the stoplight system: "Red" for stop now; "Yellow" for "proceed with caution; i am having difficulty," and Green for "yes! please more!" bix says with emotion, "Online play *can* become overwhelming if entered into deeply, believe me! I've been there!" bix says: Number Six: Expect To Be Led, Trained, and Pushed. bix explains, "Submission is a journey. You may find that your interests match your Dom/me's rather well. " However, you should expect your Dom/me to lead you into new areas, to push your limits, and to train you to do certain things that please Him or Her." bix adds, "My Mistress taught me a very important lesson . . . one I am still learning. Submission is *not* in and of itself sexual. Submission does *not* need to be about sex." bix smiles . . . "in other words, it isn't all about what *you* need, OK?" :-) WoodMan nods PurpleFlower nods Morpheus laughs bix smiles . . . you were next, I believe, Morpheus Morpheus says: Okay, back to #4... I cannot agree strongly enough with the points there. When I ask a sub what they are interested in or what excites them, I do not want to hear the meek "whatever pleases you Master" bix nods, smiling Morpheus exclaims: I need to know what they enjoy so I can do what I have to do to be a good dom! bix smiles. "Thank you, Sir. Allura?" allura says: I just wanted to mention that a safe'action' could also be used...such as squeezing your hand tight or moving your left foot Morpheus nods bix says: yes, especially if you're gagged bix exclaims: Number Seven: Be One Person! Some people use other identities to cheat, to avoid commitment, and to play mind games with another person. Just because it's easy to have more than one identity isn't a good reason to have one. bix says, "Number Eight: Set the Rules Clearly." If you are entering into a more formal arrangement with your Dom/me, such as a training period or a committed relationship, make sure you have agreed with your Dom/me on just what the rules are. Morpheus nods bix says: Some dominants allow their submissives to play with others, with varying degrees of control; some do not. PurpleFlower nods bix says: Whatever your arrangement, make sure you both understand the rules, and the punishments for breaking them. Cauchemar wraps her end of the leash about her fist. bix says: Number Nine: Be Loyal. Being online makes it painlessly easy to break the rules you have set up - to log on as another person, to submit to another, or to even impersonate a Dom/me for the hell of it. bix catches your eye specifically . . . yes *you*. Listen, he says. "Don't do it. You will get out of your submission only that which you put into it." Cauchemar exclaims: YES! bix says: i'm going to skip over a couple of points and go to number twelve Morpheus nods Cauchemar high fives bix. bix says: Number Twelve: Don't Expect Your Dom/me to Solve Your Problems. bix says: Heres a secret: BDSM may be therapeutic, but it isnt therapy. PurpleFlower takes notes bix says: Your Dom/me is concerned about you, but doesn't necessarily want to hear you talk about your problems continuously. bix smiles. Enough said? OK!" bix says: Number Thirteen: Don't Be A Doormat That is to say, don't put up with unthinking abuse. arwen cheers bix looks a little nervous here. "With respect to my Mistress and Woodman and the other dominants here, let's face it: there are a lot of jerky Dom/mes out there!" Chooser grins and cheers as well bix smiles at his fellow submissives. "Hey, am i right or am i right?" PurpleFlower ya-hoos!! Morpheus agrees wholeheartedly Amanda chuckles, you sure are arwen exclaims: Ain't that the truth! PurpleFlower stands up and applauds bix's statement Marcia agrees allura exclaims: Yes! bix says: Your submission is a gift given consensually. If your Dom/me does not value your submission, if you are in an unsatisfactory relationship, *you* have the right to terminate it. puppygirl says: all to true bix Cyanne's cover has been blown bix says: Number Fourteen is along the same lines: Make Sure Your Basic Needs Get Met. You need to determine what your needs are - love, sex, attention, companionship, usage, time - and gauge whether your relationship with your Dom/me is meeting them. Be realistic and be willing to compromise: no relationship is perfect. Number Fifteen: Put Real Life First! bix says conspiritorially, "You may not know this, but all of us have real lives!" Cauchemar cheers. Amanda looks shocked bix nods emphatically. "Yes, its true! Ive checked!" allura grins arwen exclaims: Tell me no! PurpleFlower has a blank look on her face Chooser gasp MrChris laughs puppygirl giggles really i always wondered bix says: The allure of online life is something many of us struggle with. But real life is ultimately more important than what text crosses a flickering screen. Cauchemar nudges PurpleFlower back to life. bix says: The world offline is much richer, provides a much wider bandwidth than the alphanumerics with which I reach out to each of you here. PurpleFlower perks up, her petals spring back all bouncy-like! PF smiles. bix grins . . . "ok, Now, questions!" bix nods to his Mistress . . . My Lady? Cauchemar says: if your relationship develops to personal depths, arrange to meet in a specific room here for chats as just friends kitchen or porch come to mind WoodMan says: excellent point Cauchemar MistressKim says: Parkbench. bix smiles . . . "although MistressKim often occupies the Porch, I've noticed" Amanda elbows MK Cauchemar exclaims: sure! Shadowlady says: heh Cauchemar exclaims: that's where her Godivas are! Cauchemar grins. MistressKim grins bix asks: arwen, you had a question? allura says: g. porch PurpleFlower makes a note about the Godiva stuff Shadowlady whispers sometin bout chocolate.. arwen says: More of a suggestin. I don't suppose it would do any good to haave a discussion like this for doms. Morpheus grins bix grins arwen asks: Say,"How to Find and Keep A Sub?" bix says: hmmmm PurpleFlower exclaims: Hear, hear!!! arwen says: The ones who need it probably wouldn';t come. PurpleFlower nods to arwen bix stifles a giggle Morpheus agrees with arwen. Cauchemar draws a precise map on the board as to where the stash is on the porch by the chaise. Chooser sighs and hates to admit that arwen is right PurpleFlower sneaks looks at the board while she takes in bix's substantive comments Cauchemar exclaims: one can post ads for partners in teh IR newsletter! bix smiles happily. "Folks, thanks for coming! I'd like to thank my expert panel, allura, Sir Woodman, and Lady Cauchemar! please give them a hand!" Morpheus applauds Amanda applauds the expert panel MistressKim claps and smiles. Marcia applauds wildly arwen hands over her left hand BurntUmber claps!!!! MrChris stands and applauds enthusiastically PurpleFlower claps for all the help Darkk applauds loudly