How to seek others who are into BDSM

by Cauchemar

Newspapers
FIRST get a post office box in town and a blind email address on yahoo or hotmail. This is safer and protects your identity. Look through local papers, preferably the "alternative" ones (usually  free) to see which one takes personal ads of a spicier type. Place an ad which makes it clear you are into BDsM keeping in mind   the general tone of the paper and other ads. Ask folks to write (or email) to you regarding a regional get together. DO NOT give out your real address, phone or beeper number. In the beginning, be cautious and guard your privacy.

Flyers/posters
You might want to post the ad in a flyer form in your local clubs (gay or straight), campus hangouts, book stores, cafes, tattoo parlors and other likely gathering places. Make sure the flyer leaves ways to get in contact with you but indirectly.

Posting online
If you traverse the net in talkers you can mention your search in the character’s .desc or profile. Other options are cruising the search engines looking for local BDsM shops, clubs, groups or individuals. Here is a sampling:

http://www.a1.com/dsm/bdsm/
alt.personals.bondage
http://www.netlink.co.uk/users/moonkiss/

Or, use these words in your search engine "BDsM+Organizations" for a long list of groups by city, campus or region.

Weeding through the responses
Bear in mind not everyone that responds is sincere. I know, I know! But I have to say this - we all know there are dangerous folks out there, predatory and sick. Ok, now that the obvious is stated, on to the rest. Keep a list of the respondants. Don’t keep responses from folks that send crude photos of themselves, try to get personal information from you or otherwise make you nervous. Perhaps make two piles - one for folks you wish to have a quiet cup of coffee with and get to know better, and another for a larger gathering or munch. (see below) From what remains, make a mailing list and send out a brief response. Be gracious and enthusiastic as it took as much nerve to come out and answer the ad as it did to post it.

Private or one-on-one meetings
Treat meeting a new BDsM person as you would a date from the personals columns. Be cautious.
Arrange a time convenient to both and limit it to one hour. The limit is to give you both time to digest before meeting again…start slow. Meet in an open and neutral place over a soda pop or coffee. Choose a café or restaurant where you can make eye contact but avert it to passersby or remark about the menu or decor if things get awkward.If you are comfortable, agree to meet again in similar surroundings over a meal.
Do not exchange addresses or phone numbers yet.
Once you’ve dined and chatted over a meal, you’ll feel safer and more comfy about giving your number to this new person.

What is a munch?
A munch is a regularly planned and attended get-together of BDsM interested or involved people in a public place (usually a restaurant) for a meal and chat. It is meant to provide an opportunity to meet and get to know other BDsM interested people in a low-pressure setting. All genders, sexual orientations, BDsM interests, and roles are welcome and are frequently represented.

Choosing a spot to meet…
Pick a familiar place like a pub-style restaurant with alcoves where you can reserve a few tables. Go and look over places some Sunday afternoon. Make sure it is easy for out-of-towners to get to. Do not reserve private banquet rooms for the regular munch gathering. Keep the meeting out in the open as first-timers feel safer this way.Pick a place with a menu that has a reasonable price range, serves alcohol and allows smoking so all the vices of munch members will have a place there.

Poll the folks that expressed interest and find a time almost everyone can get there. Don’t try to please everyone - a majority will suffice. Plan the first munch to be about two hours long. This is sufficient to get names to faces, grab a bite and start a contact list. You can use the first meeting to plan the next.

Are there rules?
Yes, as the group meets in a public place, common sense rules apply. You need to recall that mundanes (folks not into BDsM) are about and we never wish to offend the other customers. So, bearing all this in mind:

• Attendees should not be less than the local age of consent.
• Don’t get the munch hosts in trouble. Remember, you’re in public.
• Don't push your attentions on someone else.
• Don't use meetings as an opportunity to cruise for a date.
• Don't bother coming if you just want some sex from the kinky people.
• Let the others talk. A good listener is a joy to find in this world.
• Don’t be afraid to bring a topic. We do want to hear what you have to say.
• Don't be easily offended. If something does bother you, say so.
• Feel free to ask questions. There is no such thing as a silly question.
• It will be understood that if you invite someone who meets the criteria, you agree to make them aware of the rules and insure that they agree to abide by them before they attend.
• Dress is casual. No obvious fetish wear, please. Likewise, no obvious gear or toys are permitted. A munch is not a play party.
• The basic rules are courtesy, respect and tolerance for everyone regardless of roles and/or orientation. All are deserving of basic courtesy and respect until they prove otherwise, so please check egos at the door .
• If any private gatherings develop independent of the Munch, they are by invitation of the host/hostess only. Remember, if people don't know you well, they may not invite you into their space. Take the time to get to know people and become a part of the group and don't get your feelings hurt if someone doesn'tknow you well enough at first to invite you along. Trust is earned.

January 07, 2004